Caregiver Stress & Grief
| Grieving The Loss |
There’s an enormity that comes with grief, all encompassing, enveloping. It’s the hardest of all human emotions
to deal with, stronger than hate and love combined. And no matter how many times we’ve been through it
before, it’s different every time, with every loss. The minute we lose someone we love we can feel ourselves
bracing for it, the train that’s about to hit us head on. The continuous up and down from second to second, the
bouncing around of emotions from guilt to blame, resentment, depression, acceptance and back to guilt again.
There is something so wrong about losing a pet, the one soul in this world that is so pure and uncorrupted. They
teach us the highest order of love there is, accept us completely and without reservations. There are no
judgments or misgivings, no reason whatsoever to think that this precious creature has anything but adoration
for you.
The ancient Egyptians believed that cats were the most psychic beings that exist in this world and that
they’re able to transcend time and space even while on this earthly plane. They were held sacred to a high,
honored position and were more important than any human life. Cats were demigods, so highly regarded in
Egyptian society that it was considered a high crime to kill a cat, punishable by death. Families owning cats took
care that they received great attention and respect. Cats guarded the royal granaries, farms and homes keeping
them relatively free from vermin and disease that threatened food supplies. They resided in temples and were
treated to gifts even in the afterlife. Hardly is there a creature more deserving of these accolades.
It’s said that a cat can look into your eyes and see deep down into the crevasses of your soul. I personally know
this to be true as Alex did that every time she gazed her gorgeous green eyes on me. She was not my cat, she
was my daughter and I may as well have given birth to her. The night she died, my heart screamed in agony so
loud I thought for sure I’d shattered the moon and the sun. To this day I walk around this earth incomplete,
knowing that hole will never again be filled. Sometimes when I think of her I can feel the edges of that hole,
searing me like it’s on fire and I think I can’t possibly stand to even remember her. But I never want to forget
either, and I couldn’t even if I tried.
These creatures are here to teach us valuable lessons in life. How to live in the moment, how to forgive and let go
of pain and resentment, how to fully love someone like we’ve never allowed ourselves before. Alex did that for
me, she taught me to love completely and to let myself be loved. I had said so many times in my life that I
wanted to experience “true, radiant” love. I just never thought it would be from a cat. But I’m glad it was,
because it was purely unconditional and more beautiful than I ever expected it could be. I could write a whole
book about the tenderness there was between us. When that was gone, I thought I would truly die with her.
Now I have two new little ones who make me laugh constantly. The lessons from them are something I’d
forgotten how to do for so long: have fun, enjoy life, relish the little things, etc. I know that Alex sent them to me,
telling me it’s okay to let go and open my heart. That she’s okay now and it’s time to allow myself to be happy
again. So life does in fact go on, even if it’s without her.
Taking care of her with these awful diseases was so rough it wore me down long before she passed away. How to
get up each day and not have the same routine with her, giving her medications, treatments, feedings, etc. Even
though these things were incredibly draining on me, it was all I knew to do for her and then it was over. A relief
in a way, and I felt guilty for that. But mostly I felt angry for the way she died and how she suffered, I still do. If
there was ever a soul that didn’t deserve that it was her. I even had dreams that I was talking with her vet, still
begging for suggestions on what we could do to help her. And in my dreams my vet would tell me to stop
torturing myself, she’s gone.
Grieving is the easy part. Staying in bed, staring at the ceiling, not eating or showering, just giving up. Getting on
with our lives is the worst of it. The truth is we don’t mourn for them, we mourn for us. Because we know that in
their infinite wisdom these creatures are experiencing the spiritual life that they have never forgotten exists. We
as humans tend to forget so much about our life outside of this world and what it all entails. Because we’re made
up of the five senses: smell, taste, sight, hearing and most importantly touch. It’s so hard for us to believe that
someone we love is still around us if we can’t touch them. Cats already have their sixth sense skills honed and
perfected, yet another lesson for us.
There are no sure-fire methods of getting through grief. But there are some simple things to remember:
DON’T let others tell you to “just get over it” or it was “just a cat”. If that person doesn’t have, or has never had
pets of their own then getting them to understand the magnitude of your loss is probably hopeless. They won’t
understand, find someone who will.
DON’T get rid of their things like bedding, toys, brushes, etc. Those are your memories to keep. Make a
keepsake box and scrapbook with some mementos. Months from now when you’re able to look at their pictures
or hold a tuft of their hair without falling to pieces, you’ll be glad you did.
DON’T stop taking care of yourself. Your little baby wouldn’t want that for you and you’ve already been through
a tremendous amount of stress while taking care of your sick kitty. Small steps if you have to, just make sure
you take them.
DON’T shut yourself off to the rest of the world. There are a lot more support groups for the loss of a “family
member” than you realize. It wasn’t the case before the Internet but things have thankfully changed and we
now have access to many pet loss support groups. I actually found these types of groups more understanding
than when I lost a “human” family member. We pet lovers are a special group of people who usually have the
capacity for great understanding and empathy. Grief can separate us from others, but it can unite us as well.
DON’T try to get another pet too soon after losing one. As much love as you have to give and as much as you
think you’re not trying to replace them, it usually ends up that you haven’t given yourself enough time to accept
the loss. It could be a few weeks, a few months. Everyone’s amount of time is different. Just make sure you’re
doing it for the right reasons. It’s not fair to bring another cat into your home while you have expectations that it
can’t fulfill. And you may not be physically ready to care for a new little one either as they take up a lot of
energy. Give yourself time to rest, your spirit needs it.
DO talk to others about your grief. See a counselor; they have pets too, you’ll be surprised at their reaction to
your loss. They can get just as emotional about it. Join a support group online; the outpouring of support you can
get from an online community about this particular issue will surprise you. Connecting with people from all over
the world with one common and tremendous love for their pets may turn out to be a lifesaver for you.
DO give yourself a break when it comes to the length of time it’s taking for your healing. Trying to rush through
it or understand why it’s “taking so long” will only aggravate you more. Expect those feelings of anger,
resentment, “why”, etc. Even expect to get angry at your kitty for leaving you. I did. I yelled at her and then
cried and begged her forgiveness. It’s all to be expected, just like any other death in the family.
DO donate their leftover medications, medical supplies, food, etc. to your local shelter or rescue league. They
need these things desperately and it’s a wonderful way to honor your little one. Instead of throwing it out,
you’ll be helping another sick animal that needs your help.
DO make a donation to an organization, university or research facility that studies gastrointestinal diseases in
cats. There is absolutely NO government funding available to these facilities for this research so private funds
and donations are the only means of working to find treatments and maybe even a possible cure someday for
these horrible afflictions. My veterinary office all got together and made a donation in Alex’s name for me to
Cornell University and it touched me deeply! They all knew and loved Alex very, very much and understood
how devoted I was to her. By making a donation in your baby’s name, not only will it help you to heal and honor
your child, but it will help fund some MUCH needed research for what seems to now be an epidemic in cats.
DO plant some flowers or a tree in honor of your baby. Something that you can nurture and will grow and
flourish to remind you that this is the cycle of life. There’s beauty still here in this world and you need to remind
yourself of that quite often after a loss like this. Create a place of beauty to sit and remember the good times, a
memorial site.
DO leave yourself open for visits from your little one after they’re gone. Whether you’re religious, spiritual or
don’t believe at all in a life after this one, it can be incredibly comforting to know there’s some part of them still
around you. It could be in your dreams, it could be paw prints on your bed like I had. Only you'll know what the
special messages are because of that bond you had with them.
Albert Einstein once said, "Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means
nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is
only a stubbornly persistent illusion." The truth is none of us have any idea what’s out there until we ourselves
leave this world. It’s one big, giant mystery that’s not meant to be solved. So leave yourself open to any new
experiences, you’ll be so glad you did.
DO write a love letter to your little one. Tell them everything you’re feeling and let them know how important
they still are in your life and always will be. Tell them you hope they aren’t in pain anymore and that they’re
happy and playing with other kitties somewhere beautiful, until you see each other again. Putting things down on
paper is very therapeutic and helps you release your feelings, especially if you’re having trouble talking to
anyone. A friend of mine who recently lost his feline son said, “He was my best friend, my boy – and I was HIS
human.”
DO open your heart again. No matter how hard that may seem and how much you deny you could ever put
yourself through it again, it is healing and there are so many other animals that need your selfless love and
devotion. Just make sure it’s the right time for you and you’re able to physically, emotionally and mentally take
that challenge on.
We’re listing some online support groups to help you with your grieving process. If you feel you need to talk to a
professional, please seek the help of a counselor or therapist immediately. We’re also including links to some
research facilities if you’d like to make any donations to honor your kitty. And don’t forget to be good to yourself
above all else. Your kitty saw something wonderful in you, therefore it exists!
www.in-memory-of-pets.com
www.petloss.com
www.lightning-strike.com
www.petdiscussion.com
www.perfectmemorials.com/guides/the-emotions-of-pet-loss/
www.petloss.com/dealing.htm
www.vet.cornell.edu/fhc/memorials
www.cvm.tamu.edu/gilab/development/gift
ASPCA's guide to End-of-life care
www.aspca.org/pet-care/pet-loss/end-of-life-care-faq.html
Recommended Reading:
"Tails" of the Afterlife: True Stories of Ghost Pets
www.amazon.com/Tails-Afterlife-True-Stories-Ghost/dp/0764332538
to deal with, stronger than hate and love combined. And no matter how many times we’ve been through it
before, it’s different every time, with every loss. The minute we lose someone we love we can feel ourselves
bracing for it, the train that’s about to hit us head on. The continuous up and down from second to second, the
bouncing around of emotions from guilt to blame, resentment, depression, acceptance and back to guilt again.
There is something so wrong about losing a pet, the one soul in this world that is so pure and uncorrupted. They
teach us the highest order of love there is, accept us completely and without reservations. There are no
judgments or misgivings, no reason whatsoever to think that this precious creature has anything but adoration
for you.
The ancient Egyptians believed that cats were the most psychic beings that exist in this world and that
they’re able to transcend time and space even while on this earthly plane. They were held sacred to a high,
honored position and were more important than any human life. Cats were demigods, so highly regarded in
Egyptian society that it was considered a high crime to kill a cat, punishable by death. Families owning cats took
care that they received great attention and respect. Cats guarded the royal granaries, farms and homes keeping
them relatively free from vermin and disease that threatened food supplies. They resided in temples and were
treated to gifts even in the afterlife. Hardly is there a creature more deserving of these accolades.
It’s said that a cat can look into your eyes and see deep down into the crevasses of your soul. I personally know
this to be true as Alex did that every time she gazed her gorgeous green eyes on me. She was not my cat, she
was my daughter and I may as well have given birth to her. The night she died, my heart screamed in agony so
loud I thought for sure I’d shattered the moon and the sun. To this day I walk around this earth incomplete,
knowing that hole will never again be filled. Sometimes when I think of her I can feel the edges of that hole,
searing me like it’s on fire and I think I can’t possibly stand to even remember her. But I never want to forget
either, and I couldn’t even if I tried.
These creatures are here to teach us valuable lessons in life. How to live in the moment, how to forgive and let go
of pain and resentment, how to fully love someone like we’ve never allowed ourselves before. Alex did that for
me, she taught me to love completely and to let myself be loved. I had said so many times in my life that I
wanted to experience “true, radiant” love. I just never thought it would be from a cat. But I’m glad it was,
because it was purely unconditional and more beautiful than I ever expected it could be. I could write a whole
book about the tenderness there was between us. When that was gone, I thought I would truly die with her.
Now I have two new little ones who make me laugh constantly. The lessons from them are something I’d
forgotten how to do for so long: have fun, enjoy life, relish the little things, etc. I know that Alex sent them to me,
telling me it’s okay to let go and open my heart. That she’s okay now and it’s time to allow myself to be happy
again. So life does in fact go on, even if it’s without her.
Taking care of her with these awful diseases was so rough it wore me down long before she passed away. How to
get up each day and not have the same routine with her, giving her medications, treatments, feedings, etc. Even
though these things were incredibly draining on me, it was all I knew to do for her and then it was over. A relief
in a way, and I felt guilty for that. But mostly I felt angry for the way she died and how she suffered, I still do. If
there was ever a soul that didn’t deserve that it was her. I even had dreams that I was talking with her vet, still
begging for suggestions on what we could do to help her. And in my dreams my vet would tell me to stop
torturing myself, she’s gone.
Grieving is the easy part. Staying in bed, staring at the ceiling, not eating or showering, just giving up. Getting on
with our lives is the worst of it. The truth is we don’t mourn for them, we mourn for us. Because we know that in
their infinite wisdom these creatures are experiencing the spiritual life that they have never forgotten exists. We
as humans tend to forget so much about our life outside of this world and what it all entails. Because we’re made
up of the five senses: smell, taste, sight, hearing and most importantly touch. It’s so hard for us to believe that
someone we love is still around us if we can’t touch them. Cats already have their sixth sense skills honed and
perfected, yet another lesson for us.
There are no sure-fire methods of getting through grief. But there are some simple things to remember:
DON’T let others tell you to “just get over it” or it was “just a cat”. If that person doesn’t have, or has never had
pets of their own then getting them to understand the magnitude of your loss is probably hopeless. They won’t
understand, find someone who will.
DON’T get rid of their things like bedding, toys, brushes, etc. Those are your memories to keep. Make a
keepsake box and scrapbook with some mementos. Months from now when you’re able to look at their pictures
or hold a tuft of their hair without falling to pieces, you’ll be glad you did.
DON’T stop taking care of yourself. Your little baby wouldn’t want that for you and you’ve already been through
a tremendous amount of stress while taking care of your sick kitty. Small steps if you have to, just make sure
you take them.
DON’T shut yourself off to the rest of the world. There are a lot more support groups for the loss of a “family
member” than you realize. It wasn’t the case before the Internet but things have thankfully changed and we
now have access to many pet loss support groups. I actually found these types of groups more understanding
than when I lost a “human” family member. We pet lovers are a special group of people who usually have the
capacity for great understanding and empathy. Grief can separate us from others, but it can unite us as well.
DON’T try to get another pet too soon after losing one. As much love as you have to give and as much as you
think you’re not trying to replace them, it usually ends up that you haven’t given yourself enough time to accept
the loss. It could be a few weeks, a few months. Everyone’s amount of time is different. Just make sure you’re
doing it for the right reasons. It’s not fair to bring another cat into your home while you have expectations that it
can’t fulfill. And you may not be physically ready to care for a new little one either as they take up a lot of
energy. Give yourself time to rest, your spirit needs it.
DO talk to others about your grief. See a counselor; they have pets too, you’ll be surprised at their reaction to
your loss. They can get just as emotional about it. Join a support group online; the outpouring of support you can
get from an online community about this particular issue will surprise you. Connecting with people from all over
the world with one common and tremendous love for their pets may turn out to be a lifesaver for you.
DO give yourself a break when it comes to the length of time it’s taking for your healing. Trying to rush through
it or understand why it’s “taking so long” will only aggravate you more. Expect those feelings of anger,
resentment, “why”, etc. Even expect to get angry at your kitty for leaving you. I did. I yelled at her and then
cried and begged her forgiveness. It’s all to be expected, just like any other death in the family.
DO donate their leftover medications, medical supplies, food, etc. to your local shelter or rescue league. They
need these things desperately and it’s a wonderful way to honor your little one. Instead of throwing it out,
you’ll be helping another sick animal that needs your help.
DO make a donation to an organization, university or research facility that studies gastrointestinal diseases in
cats. There is absolutely NO government funding available to these facilities for this research so private funds
and donations are the only means of working to find treatments and maybe even a possible cure someday for
these horrible afflictions. My veterinary office all got together and made a donation in Alex’s name for me to
Cornell University and it touched me deeply! They all knew and loved Alex very, very much and understood
how devoted I was to her. By making a donation in your baby’s name, not only will it help you to heal and honor
your child, but it will help fund some MUCH needed research for what seems to now be an epidemic in cats.
DO plant some flowers or a tree in honor of your baby. Something that you can nurture and will grow and
flourish to remind you that this is the cycle of life. There’s beauty still here in this world and you need to remind
yourself of that quite often after a loss like this. Create a place of beauty to sit and remember the good times, a
memorial site.
DO leave yourself open for visits from your little one after they’re gone. Whether you’re religious, spiritual or
don’t believe at all in a life after this one, it can be incredibly comforting to know there’s some part of them still
around you. It could be in your dreams, it could be paw prints on your bed like I had. Only you'll know what the
special messages are because of that bond you had with them.
Albert Einstein once said, "Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means
nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is
only a stubbornly persistent illusion." The truth is none of us have any idea what’s out there until we ourselves
leave this world. It’s one big, giant mystery that’s not meant to be solved. So leave yourself open to any new
experiences, you’ll be so glad you did.
DO write a love letter to your little one. Tell them everything you’re feeling and let them know how important
they still are in your life and always will be. Tell them you hope they aren’t in pain anymore and that they’re
happy and playing with other kitties somewhere beautiful, until you see each other again. Putting things down on
paper is very therapeutic and helps you release your feelings, especially if you’re having trouble talking to
anyone. A friend of mine who recently lost his feline son said, “He was my best friend, my boy – and I was HIS
human.”
DO open your heart again. No matter how hard that may seem and how much you deny you could ever put
yourself through it again, it is healing and there are so many other animals that need your selfless love and
devotion. Just make sure it’s the right time for you and you’re able to physically, emotionally and mentally take
that challenge on.
We’re listing some online support groups to help you with your grieving process. If you feel you need to talk to a
professional, please seek the help of a counselor or therapist immediately. We’re also including links to some
research facilities if you’d like to make any donations to honor your kitty. And don’t forget to be good to yourself
above all else. Your kitty saw something wonderful in you, therefore it exists!
www.in-memory-of-pets.com
www.petloss.com
www.lightning-strike.com
www.petdiscussion.com
www.perfectmemorials.com/guides/the-emotions-of-pet-loss/
www.petloss.com/dealing.htm
www.vet.cornell.edu/fhc/memorials
www.cvm.tamu.edu/gilab/development/gift
ASPCA's guide to End-of-life care
www.aspca.org/pet-care/pet-loss/end-of-life-care-faq.html
Recommended Reading:
"Tails" of the Afterlife: True Stories of Ghost Pets
www.amazon.com/Tails-Afterlife-True-Stories-Ghost/dp/0764332538
I come from a family that has always been sickly, so being a caregiver comes naturally to me. It’s hard, stressful,
exhausting, frustrating, depressing and rewarding. But being a caregiver to a sick animal is hands down all of
those things and more times three. The advantage of caring for a human is of course communication. A cat can’t
tell you where it hurts, how much it’s hurting, what they need or when it started. It’s extremely tough to read
the signs of illness since they’re notoriously good at hiding them. And even if you can tell certain behaviors, it’s
not a guarantee it’ll make things any easier. Cats have a naturally finicky-nature which precludes anything else
and makes it extra tough to figure out what’s going on.
Because a cat’s body is built differently than ours, there is an enormous amount of information to research and
take in. I had never even heard of IBD in humans, never mind in cats. So in order for me to understand what I
was up against, I started studying the cat’s anatomy and the possible treatments for this ailment. To try and
figure out what’s going on in your cat’s body, you’ve got to have a handle on the disease. And unfortunately with
IBD and the co-existing conditions, there is no such handle. This disease changes symptoms and severity
constantly, gives you false hopes and makes you painfully aware that you’re not the one in control.
One day you feel as if you’ve got it even a little bit figured out and maybe, just maybe you can start your kitty on
the road to recovery. Then out of nowhere, things change and you’re back to square one. Feeling lost and
confused, angry and mystified. Why is this happening? What did I do wrong? What am I going to do now? What
else can we try? How will I pay for these treatments, tests and checkups? These questions are on every parent’s
mind as they struggle to help their kitty get well.
There are no easy answers to these questions. I wish I had some. I continue to struggle with these questions
even months after I lost Alex to these awful conditions. Some are making headway though and that’s the reason
for the Living With IBD section of this website. To give you actual case studies, to help you have choices on what
to do. They are there to give you hope and help you realize that this is not a death sentence. This disease can be
managed and successfully treated.
Along with the online support groups for grief there are support groups for parents of sick kitties. There is a
wealth of knowledge out there to be shared and people more than willing to help you. They know the feelings of
desperation you’ve got right now and are probably the best ones to answer questions, even more so than a vet.
As a matter of fact, many vets are coming to understand that parents are taking matters into their own hands
and are coming to them with new treatments to try. Some vets are not open to this at all and it may be a
struggle for them to listen to anything new. But more and more, there are vets that are aware that IBD
treatments are changing faster than they can keep up with and that there is information beyond what’s being
taught to them in vet school. You know the old saying “there is no substitute for experience”…it applies here.
Take some of these simple guidelines and try and use them the best you can. It’s not going to be easy but at
least it’s a beginning.
Try and accept the situation for what it is. This is a long-term, power struggle between you and a condition that
has no known cause or cure. Accept that this is going to be a lot of work and you’ll need to make a commitment
to your cat’s road to recovery. There’ll be a daily regime of medications, changes in feeding times, researching
and patience on your part. This is especially true in the first couple of months but when you find what works well
for your cat, you’ll be able to spot the day-to-day improvements.
Your cat will probably not be as happy as it used to be, won’t be playing too much anymore, will feel more tired
and irritable. This is completely normal as this is an autoimmune disorder that can wreck havoc on your kitty’s
body. It’s depressing and hard for you as their parent to watch them like this. Accept that it may take awhile
until your kitty feels better, depending on the severity of your kitty’s condition.
Ask your family members for help if they can. If you have kids, teach them the importance of what you’re doing
and that they can and should be as much help as they can be, especially if you work. Your spouse, if you have
one, also needs to step up to the plate. Let them know that this is their little baby also and that you can’t do it
alone. Otherwise it may become too much for you to handle. There are unfortunately some people that don’t
have anyone to help them and must go through this alone. If you are alone, reach out to someone else you know
who is an animal lover. Just having someone there to talk to once in awhile who understands the pain and worry
you’re going through can alleviate a lot of the stress you’re feeling. It’s extremely hard for us as parents to watch
our kitties be so sick. It’s a helpless feeling and most often, you end up taking on a lot of that pain yourself.
Adapt to the ever-changing symptoms. The ups and downs, highs and lows of this disease can be brutal on you.
There isn’t one parent I’ve met yet that isn’t pulling their hair out at some point because of the emotional roller
coaster they’ve found themselves on. It’s the unfortunate truth that this disease will dumbfound you on many
occasions and it will test your care taking stamina to the fullest. But just as if they were our human children, we
do what we have to do, with no complaints. We sacrifice a lot for them, but they’re so very worth it.
Acknowledge your own needs. Remember that you absolutely need to take care of yourself. That’s the tricky
part because as any parent will tell you, it’s just not always possible, but it’s a must. Don’t let the stress run you
right into the ground. You will most likely be in crisis mode at some point during this ordeal and a crisis always
robs you of a little bit of yourself, if not a lot! Try hard to leave a little time for yourself now and then. Don’t let
this disease rob you of everything, live your life, even a little bit at a time. You’ll be better prepared to go
through this rough patch, no matter how long or short it is.
Shower them with love and affection. They need it so much right now. After giving them their medication, give
them a kiss and tell them you love them. Talk to them and tell them as many times a day what a good baby they
are and that they’re brave and strong. Tell them you’re doing everything you know how to do to help them and
ask them to be patient with you. I used to lie down next to Alex and rub her shoulders and look into her eyes
and say, “Please tell me what to do for you sweetheart. Please tell mommy how to help you.” She knew what I
was saying and she would purr and just let me love her. That’s all they need to know, is that amidst all of the
hardship they’re going through, that it’s out of love for them.
Respect that cats are very dignified animals that would go off in the wild somewhere and die alone if they could,
that’s their nature. So when your kitty has severe diarrhea and you need to do some clean up, understand that
they will be NOT be happy about it. They won’t be happy about being stuck with needles, taking pills or being
force-fed. They hate being handled in this way and will most likely let you know it. But they have a way of also
letting you know that they understand that you’re trying to help them. And they will ultimately be the ones
making the decision as to whether to stay and fight or to give up. And you have to respect that decision when it
comes.
Don’t give up on them as long as they’re still fighting to stay alive. Let them take the lead and tell you if things
are just too bad to keep going. Otherwise, the days of automatically putting your cat to sleep are over. There
have been a lot of advancements in the last ten years in veterinary medicine, and there needs to be a lot more.
But understand that there are many different choices of treatments available now. You may also get to a point
where you may not want to pursue some treatments, for your kitty’s sake. No one can tell you where that line is
for you and your pet. If you’re not sure, then ask yourself this question, “What would I want done for myself”?
That will hopefully allow you to make the right choices either way. Remember that whatever the decision, it’s
not what’s best for you but what’s best for them that matters.
exhausting, frustrating, depressing and rewarding. But being a caregiver to a sick animal is hands down all of
those things and more times three. The advantage of caring for a human is of course communication. A cat can’t
tell you where it hurts, how much it’s hurting, what they need or when it started. It’s extremely tough to read
the signs of illness since they’re notoriously good at hiding them. And even if you can tell certain behaviors, it’s
not a guarantee it’ll make things any easier. Cats have a naturally finicky-nature which precludes anything else
and makes it extra tough to figure out what’s going on.
Because a cat’s body is built differently than ours, there is an enormous amount of information to research and
take in. I had never even heard of IBD in humans, never mind in cats. So in order for me to understand what I
was up against, I started studying the cat’s anatomy and the possible treatments for this ailment. To try and
figure out what’s going on in your cat’s body, you’ve got to have a handle on the disease. And unfortunately with
IBD and the co-existing conditions, there is no such handle. This disease changes symptoms and severity
constantly, gives you false hopes and makes you painfully aware that you’re not the one in control.
One day you feel as if you’ve got it even a little bit figured out and maybe, just maybe you can start your kitty on
the road to recovery. Then out of nowhere, things change and you’re back to square one. Feeling lost and
confused, angry and mystified. Why is this happening? What did I do wrong? What am I going to do now? What
else can we try? How will I pay for these treatments, tests and checkups? These questions are on every parent’s
mind as they struggle to help their kitty get well.
There are no easy answers to these questions. I wish I had some. I continue to struggle with these questions
even months after I lost Alex to these awful conditions. Some are making headway though and that’s the reason
for the Living With IBD section of this website. To give you actual case studies, to help you have choices on what
to do. They are there to give you hope and help you realize that this is not a death sentence. This disease can be
managed and successfully treated.
Along with the online support groups for grief there are support groups for parents of sick kitties. There is a
wealth of knowledge out there to be shared and people more than willing to help you. They know the feelings of
desperation you’ve got right now and are probably the best ones to answer questions, even more so than a vet.
As a matter of fact, many vets are coming to understand that parents are taking matters into their own hands
and are coming to them with new treatments to try. Some vets are not open to this at all and it may be a
struggle for them to listen to anything new. But more and more, there are vets that are aware that IBD
treatments are changing faster than they can keep up with and that there is information beyond what’s being
taught to them in vet school. You know the old saying “there is no substitute for experience”…it applies here.
Take some of these simple guidelines and try and use them the best you can. It’s not going to be easy but at
least it’s a beginning.
Try and accept the situation for what it is. This is a long-term, power struggle between you and a condition that
has no known cause or cure. Accept that this is going to be a lot of work and you’ll need to make a commitment
to your cat’s road to recovery. There’ll be a daily regime of medications, changes in feeding times, researching
and patience on your part. This is especially true in the first couple of months but when you find what works well
for your cat, you’ll be able to spot the day-to-day improvements.
Your cat will probably not be as happy as it used to be, won’t be playing too much anymore, will feel more tired
and irritable. This is completely normal as this is an autoimmune disorder that can wreck havoc on your kitty’s
body. It’s depressing and hard for you as their parent to watch them like this. Accept that it may take awhile
until your kitty feels better, depending on the severity of your kitty’s condition.
Ask your family members for help if they can. If you have kids, teach them the importance of what you’re doing
and that they can and should be as much help as they can be, especially if you work. Your spouse, if you have
one, also needs to step up to the plate. Let them know that this is their little baby also and that you can’t do it
alone. Otherwise it may become too much for you to handle. There are unfortunately some people that don’t
have anyone to help them and must go through this alone. If you are alone, reach out to someone else you know
who is an animal lover. Just having someone there to talk to once in awhile who understands the pain and worry
you’re going through can alleviate a lot of the stress you’re feeling. It’s extremely hard for us as parents to watch
our kitties be so sick. It’s a helpless feeling and most often, you end up taking on a lot of that pain yourself.
Adapt to the ever-changing symptoms. The ups and downs, highs and lows of this disease can be brutal on you.
There isn’t one parent I’ve met yet that isn’t pulling their hair out at some point because of the emotional roller
coaster they’ve found themselves on. It’s the unfortunate truth that this disease will dumbfound you on many
occasions and it will test your care taking stamina to the fullest. But just as if they were our human children, we
do what we have to do, with no complaints. We sacrifice a lot for them, but they’re so very worth it.
Acknowledge your own needs. Remember that you absolutely need to take care of yourself. That’s the tricky
part because as any parent will tell you, it’s just not always possible, but it’s a must. Don’t let the stress run you
right into the ground. You will most likely be in crisis mode at some point during this ordeal and a crisis always
robs you of a little bit of yourself, if not a lot! Try hard to leave a little time for yourself now and then. Don’t let
this disease rob you of everything, live your life, even a little bit at a time. You’ll be better prepared to go
through this rough patch, no matter how long or short it is.
Shower them with love and affection. They need it so much right now. After giving them their medication, give
them a kiss and tell them you love them. Talk to them and tell them as many times a day what a good baby they
are and that they’re brave and strong. Tell them you’re doing everything you know how to do to help them and
ask them to be patient with you. I used to lie down next to Alex and rub her shoulders and look into her eyes
and say, “Please tell me what to do for you sweetheart. Please tell mommy how to help you.” She knew what I
was saying and she would purr and just let me love her. That’s all they need to know, is that amidst all of the
hardship they’re going through, that it’s out of love for them.
Respect that cats are very dignified animals that would go off in the wild somewhere and die alone if they could,
that’s their nature. So when your kitty has severe diarrhea and you need to do some clean up, understand that
they will be NOT be happy about it. They won’t be happy about being stuck with needles, taking pills or being
force-fed. They hate being handled in this way and will most likely let you know it. But they have a way of also
letting you know that they understand that you’re trying to help them. And they will ultimately be the ones
making the decision as to whether to stay and fight or to give up. And you have to respect that decision when it
comes.
Don’t give up on them as long as they’re still fighting to stay alive. Let them take the lead and tell you if things
are just too bad to keep going. Otherwise, the days of automatically putting your cat to sleep are over. There
have been a lot of advancements in the last ten years in veterinary medicine, and there needs to be a lot more.
But understand that there are many different choices of treatments available now. You may also get to a point
where you may not want to pursue some treatments, for your kitty’s sake. No one can tell you where that line is
for you and your pet. If you’re not sure, then ask yourself this question, “What would I want done for myself”?
That will hopefully allow you to make the right choices either way. Remember that whatever the decision, it’s
not what’s best for you but what’s best for them that matters.
| Mere communion with nature, mere contact with the free air, exercise a soothing yet comforting and strengthening influence on the wearied mind, calm the storm of passion, and soften the heart when shaken by sorrow to its inmost depths. -- Alexander von Humboldt |
Copyright © IBD Kitties 2008-2010, all rights reserved. Contact us at info@ibdkitties.net
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